Thank you for the great post and article! I did my best to shield them and had them out of the house very busy that summer. And no nothing about this is your fault. Living with you might make things worse. It was on him 200% to turn this around. I wish there was more insight/information into what makes someone capable of this kind of cold, unempathetic, behaviour? I still have a lot of things inside me that dont just want to go away. At the time when you are 100% vulnerable and at your absolute rockbottom, the CS seems to know how to double down on cruelty and deception. We all want to help however we can. I was at home one miserable March Saturday stripping wall paper from our bathroom as Id been doing must of that week. I def had found my big girl panties by that time. She said she needed a drink and she doesnt drink!!! 4. I know he doesnt want the financial pain just even mentioning the tiniest aspect of the price of freedom (for him) sent him into the tail spin. No warning. You dont have to be a party to his downward descent into his own black hole. Then in next month nearing the holidays he starts with the D discussion. Im the true pioneer. Marry. A clinic sounds fucking boring!!! That should drive home a lot to him. Not coincidentally, as I write this, I have a headache. All of it. Find mini vacays at home that is totally self indulgent. I wish I was done with him it would be easier, but if he keeps mucking up. I lost weight I could not afford to lose. But there were no options left and D was the only solution. Omg. Dont let your h infidelity run everything you e worked so hard for. Focus on your business and financial well being first. Of course, he didnt reply so I said whatsapp is getting you in a world of trouble. He says (defensively) Im not in trouble and I reply Um, beg to disagree, but yes, you are as Skank Fever is potentially fatal and he replies: Um whats skank fever, I dont understand., To which I replied: Skank Fever. At the end of our meeting, H said he wanted to come back and to see you and talk tomorrow afternoon. I have decided this is a tactic. Silence and silence without any explanation. Yesterday was a hard day..we spent a few days with the grieving widow. This is what made things very real for my h. He thought he would manipulate me into going along with his charm and ability to sell ice to Eskimos and I was so stupid I would agree to sharing one lawyer! Its the full blame game, TFW. LOL he actually quit playing so much golf and when he did he did it under 4 hours!!! tell her to come collect her things. It meant something to me as well.took me months to get over it and fall asleep beside him. Your h may be playing a game but hes not very good at it. One family member now calls my H The Fifth Column. The point is, for anyone, this should not have to even be a comparison. Its been years now since that day and it does ease with time but still hurts sometimes, like an old wound that is almost healed. Thanks TryingHard. You must take care of and secure your business interests. You did hurt me and you knew it would hurt me and you chose to do it anyway. He was the one doling out what he wanted me to know. Sounds like he doesnt want to be an adult any longer. Newly married or long term M. Bf/Gf or domestic cohabitation the patterns are surprisingly similar. Kept the vibe light. The betrayed spouse cannot even comprehend what happened. Im not going to get any cooperation. What being faithful ultimately means is accepting that things may not always go your way or could be difficult but it is of staying the course regardless, having hope in a glorious outcome because you endured, because you didnt give in. Last year (3years after DDay) he finally went to counseling. I was the one who had the new bull dog lawyer that every other lawyer hated facing. I tell myself I am a survivor. God loves you with all of His heart. I am also defamed and smeared. The pain of it is in our heart, its in the pit of our stomachs. Whether Im on a remote beach or not, Ill be ready ???? Another thing that is different about these situations is that the runaway spouse announces the news during the most seemingly mundane time. Very similarly my H became someone I fid not recognize during the A. Anyone can choose to end a M but you can do it respectfully and minimize the hurt and pain. And then he told me how angry he was for me. Im going to print that to refer to. Because even we love them and we want the marriage to continue, they know they have done such awful things to us that they cannot believe we can still love them. It took me a long while getting there. I just wish he would snap out of it. Satori I am so sad for you. Im ready to do recovery in all of the ways you suggest, but only now having fully processed the situation and come to some level of acceptance. Puzzled, when I think of how everything re the M is now going to be totally different,regardless of the outcome, it makes me feel so upset. incompatibility and growing apart. Theres no going back to the way things were. Snake move, but then that is to be expected from a snake. I hope he is willing to sign the financial divorce papers for now. No breakdowns in front of them. My honest opinion is that after you found your inner bad-ass you handled your situation the best way possible. Instead I have allowed H to get far too comfortable while I was nice and pliable. Perhaps there is your answerfor the moment. Its just sometimes too late to turn back. Which LOL he tried to cut off but couldnt because they were in my name!!! Lots and lots and lots of discussion. They keep the secret conversations, the secret texts, the secret jokes, sitting in the same room us and secretly messaging the AP. Bad thing is if hes not working you may have to pay him support!!! My situation may seem on the surface to fly in the face of what you are saying. All my wellbeing in peril but he still thinks its about him and his image, his happiness, his money (LOL). In my own case my in-laws passed away several years before d-day. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.But I did and its a brand new day and on this day, I get to choose. One thing I forgot to say. But please do not cheat. Easy Peasy!!! I hear you about the anxiety. My one wish if I could go back in time would be to have told my H to leave in the first 2 weeks after dDay1. She tracked down my great-grandmother and my great-grandmother took in her mom and cared for her until her mothers death. Some people get caught up in the MLC in bad ways. But not enough shock to finish the job. Amazing. Handed me back his wedding ring one weekend later. Like an alien being. Im not in a great place right now but thank you for all your thoughtulness. Twenty-nine-year-old Priya Gupta was to be married this month in an expensive and lavish wedding in Mumbai. Because he didnt. For me the strength does not come until I am further down the road in the grieving process and then we look back and see our strength that we actually got through it. I know the truth. No suspicion just concern and care. All relationships after that were horrible and abusive her mistake!! But take it from me it is very difficult to be thrown into the middle of things as a parent. Thank you for talking about the possible narcissistic connection because even before I read this article I was beginning to have my hunches that my ex is a narcissist. You are 100%. I was just expressing a voice for the voiceless betrayed spouses who might not feel safe enough to voice their own opinion. In fact he can do whatever he wants and we will never impose consequences on him! That was my bad. How do they change so quickly and so drastically? And that was right in the middle of the very worst, when it was H literally screaming down the phone like Veruca Salt (the greedy child in Willy Wonka! ShiftingImps His coldness and animosity. [11] It came with a small towel, to put over the doll's head, to model how she appeared on TV when in the custody of Albuquerque Police. Thats what the scroll button is for. Plenty of things he didnt show up for and I made an excuse on his behalf while he was out on the water. Thanks Puzzled. The events I write of were recorded in a family journal, but my great, great-grandmothers perspective on why she did this will never be known. At the beginning of this nightmare I tried to be there for my son-in-law, who I love dearly, as well. I did not find this site until DDay2 and the A ended (same day). Its kinda an archaic law but still on the books, and I would have done it for the sport of it. Then hilarity ensued, although I was unaware for weeks what happened between them, and he moved in with his sister 6 doors down from where we lived. This is a living HELL and its hard not to get dragged down into our own pit. [9] Wilbanks and Mason's original wedding was to have had 600 guests and 28 bridesmaids. After being NC and just generally keeping to myself it is easy not to talk about R. This is helping a lot. She would not be near them under any circumstances (and legally I could do that) so once he started traveling all week and committed on weekends I dont see the OW sticking around very long in that relationship!! And dont forget at that stage she had him on a plane to visit her and stay for nearly a month. More like last. Its only men. We have bigger fish to fry. And the sooner we stop trying to untangle their fuckupedness the faster we heal. Almost everytime I have shared a bit about my own grief,afterwards someone will come and share their grief with me. We dont have kids so there is no additional pull. I emphasized that forgiveness is the only way forward regardless but I also said that in practical terms of the M clearly it cant be effective without the cooperation by H. (Exactly as you said) Not so far though. When it is impossible to cope with your syndrome yourself, you need the help of a psychologist. I have been thinking a lot about the concept of having faith and of faithfulness. And I believe those that take the stance and putting all their eggs in one basket to explain away their spouses affairs by attributing the term, MLC or sex addiction, are fooling themselves. This is a total disaster. But, so as not to create a difficult atmosphere, I would simply drop the issue. Please keep me and my family in yours as well. Look at the end of the day, he wants a D he wants a D. BUT there is a right way and honorable and respectful way to go about it. And thats when things started to change. ? I said watering my new garden. He doesnt want to be that guy so he justifies his bad behavior by blaming you. Just had to get all the toxic feelings out that he created in me. But if our M was so horrendous as H is now saying, why would I not have noticed anything?? Like you, I am hyper vigilant to everyones subtle and not so subtle behaviors too. LOL!!! Now, when lives are at stake, its a no brainer. Genetics are PuTang Mass Medical cut x Cake Fighter Stray Fox. I dont know what kind of precious existence you are fortunate enough to have that you are shielded from the harsh realities of life, but it must be nice. I need to have an exit strategy from the business. When I lost my father (I was 42) at the time.I grieved deeply, but I was able to move on. I am not sure how you reconcile your initial complaint with how you have treated me in your post here. May your healing continue and I think NC is the best choice for you. Good morning and welcome to hell that is your life, I told myself. What I didnt write in my recap of the casual meeting that went sideways (above) was after H got in the car (and I would describe it as a meltdown as per your checklist) he said something that I couldnt quite catch because the window was up but the word funeral was in it and I sharply said what did you say? Im almost past caring what he is saying to his FOO. The story about the first time I heard about runaway spouses also happens to support the idea that this is not a gender-specific phenomenon. My final words to him were Well youd better strap yourself in.. I also like the 5 stages of grief Kubler Ross talks about. Ive had enough. I was dressed up and ready to go when the text came in. The pain is real. Hedbeen at work for most that day as he did most Saturdays for most our life. I continue to pray and look for Gods direction lately I have seen and heard a lot of wiat on the Lord, so I am waiting for now. The closest I came was a couple months after R he had to get a colonoscopy. Talk about RALMAO!!!! Satori DDay was 3/19/2011 by 4/14/2011 I was well into NC with him and moving forward with a divorce as I knew the affair was still going on much to his denial. Share the best GIFs now >>> Indeed lalalala blah blah!!! Its been close to four weeks since my last hectic post and Im healing slowly but surely. Im not sure if thats true for everyone but it has been for me. (I pointed out that his A is the issue x 1 million. Satori Just my suggestion to save you future issues. I do believe if the proper research was done (and absolutely NONE has been done), there would be certain tell tale signs in the brain associated with MLC. You are viewed as the mean mom. You great casual friends with a cheek kiss!! I suggest you become familiar with that scroll feature when your reading. But he kept coming around. today I am panicking because tonight we are meeting two other couples for dinner. Rinse. I have not posted a great deal on many blogs before, so I was not really sure how to manage it. I wanted that shit to just go away. H does not like hard limits but thinks it is ok to push me until I am at my wits end and then complain about how I react when I get there. I think it fits in with the grieving process. Im greatful for that. Trust in Me, I will save you. Who knows what the future holds. We all know and have experienced its hard to do with friends and family. And thats what makes me angry! I am now looking at my role, NOT so I can fix H (only H can fix himself ????) If H came back under those circumstances, I almost feel like I could trust him even less. Hes going to say hes confused and he is. Hed also gotten a hold of his father and he was in his way over as well. Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity. At this point al you can do is focus on you. I will take your advice though and do more research on one whose focus is infidelity. It was an excuse / and his A was a choice and there is no excuse or reson to cheat. But I just know hes got to be thinking What have I done? I also stated that I deserve a lot more than what he thinks I should have. Anyway its coincidental that indeed it was HER words that have driven you away. Thats the ass-kicker too. By the Grace of God I didnt. I just feel helpless. It leads to re-vitimisation and can invoke other effects such as trauma and feelings of worthlessness (Why cant I get over it? After d-day he did stop all contact, but a few time he whispered her name in his sleep..I was destroyed. Our minds can be our greatest friend or our worst enemy. Just had to calm mysel but I didnt want him to fake it with me, just got the sense it was all performative, no substance. 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